Power over ourselves and others

How do you go about exercising power – your power? How do you use your power?  How often have you abused your power over someone else? How do you feel when others use power over you?

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We speak of political power; of financial power; of exercising power over others. Power is the possession of the authority and capacity – mental and/or moral – to act, to influence, to direct.

Examples of Exercising Power

There are also many physical dimensions of power, for instance in the case of how much energy an automobile can produce we speak of “horse power”. Or if I transfer an authority for you to act on my behalf I use a “power of attorney” etc. In my soft skills training, particularly in negotiation, I speak of the relationship of Power over Need, and how important it is to recognise the degree to which you have either in comparison to your adversary. I use the example of your buying another house before selling your own house where, if you don’t sell yours in time before settlement occurs on the new one, you can put yourself under massive pressure to sell “in time” instead of “in price” (if you can’t afford two mortgages), thereby increasing your need and reducing your power over those buying your house.

There are numerous examples of where we simply have to endure not having power over situations. For example we are powerless against the might of a storm or a flood or fire. We may feel powerless in a democracy if a law is passed that we choose not to understand or support – for example going to war. The typical examples of misdirected power we are all more often exposed to is what we find in the workforce, right? The boss has power to tell us what to do, whether we agree or like what he or she decrees and does, or not. We can “vote with our feet” or get ourselves into a position where we try to reason. However, how easy is it, when a number of years later we might find ourselves in a management or leadership position, that we might succumb to the same behaviours?

Exercising power is a choice

Whether in these examples or other life or work situations, we can however choose whether we allow “them” to exercise personal power over us;  Like if someone says something belittling or degrading to us, it is our choice whether we allow that to affect us in our self esteem or not, right? If we choose not to let that affect us, we don’t let them exercise any power over us.

Power and Values

How we use or abuse power is also very strongly linked to our values. Our values serve as our compass, our judgement over right and wrong, good and bad, and regulate the moral positions we take. If we had been raised in a harsh, scarcity based “I win – you lose” environment, of course our attitude and approach to power and its use or abuse would be very different than if we had been raised in an environment of trust and respect and consideration for others – learning that there are always more than one way to see things and that there is abundant existence for everyone. Depending on backgrounds, each can appear impossible to co-exist with and to the other.

Standards

Our values help us set our standards. Standards we use to judge ourselves and others. Of course we can run the risk of judging ourselves too harshly by allowing our left brain “mind chatter” the power to exercise undue fear or risk prevention leading to procrastination and other constraints. Or we can talk over it (for example with affirmations) and take that power back so as to choose to act with certainty or confidence. In the same way we need to be considerate of our standards versus others. There is the risk of self righteous judgement of others if they don’t “live up to our standards”. Who said our standards were “better” than theirs?

Reality or Perception

I have learned how important it is to recognize that there are so many different perspectives, and that everyone’s “reality” is but their own perception of the way they see things – and that it can be vastly different from our own. We usually don’t know what the other person is going through, or has been through, or why they are perhaps acting or responding the way they have.  How do we know the person that just cut us off in an overly aggressive display of driving, didn’t have to get somewhere in a desperate hurry because of an (say medical) emergency? We don’t know, do we?

An extreme example to highlight what I mean is the story of a man sitting in a suburban train with his head in his hands and his three young children running loudly and inconsiderately amok in the compartment, completely out of control. When a fellow passenger eventually challenged him on allowing his children to behave in that fashion he absently responded that they had just come from the funeral of the children’s mother….. We just don’t know, do we?

You choose

So whilst we might not have power over many life and work situations we do have power over ourselves and the attitude and behaviours we choose to employ in our interaction with those around us. To live and work “at  cause” rather than “at effect”. Perhaps you want to look out for some of those situations this week and become aware of your actions, reactions and responses and choose to Using “the Gap” to reframe yourself; to pause and consider what you are about to say or do for a little while, before you speak or act. It can be most liberating and empowering.